Friendship Redefined...

You know the cliché “A friend that sticks closer than a brother”? We in the west have a certain mindset when the term friend is mentioned. Go ahead, allow yourself to go there. Think about your friends, think about the different depths of relationship that you have with those whom you call your friends. Those who know you more than your own family, the ones that have mutual interests, those that are there for emotional support, those that are there for social activity, those at work, and those who are just there to call friends.
You might find yourself having multiple different circles of friends, some of those circles might mix or maybe there is only one circle, this more likely not. In our friendships we find that there are different levels of emotional attachment. Is there not? None the less we put a great deal of emotional effort in our relationships. This is to say that when we lose a close friend or friend in general, it can be a very emotional and sometimes traumatic experience for us. When we are miss treated by a close friend the same can occur.
Our friendships are built and defined by our culture and or the way we have been brought up in our families. I have never thought until recently about the fact that people outside of my culture even outside my Continent might view relationship and building friendship different than I.
With the vast amount of time I have spent now out of my own culture (America) I begin to see that the above mentioned thought is in fact true. For example in America some people I would call or classify as friends, in my wife’s Culture (European) they would be considered as acquaintances. I have come to realize that what is norm to call friend to me is not the same for her.
It got me thinking about all the other many cultures I have been living in and around. What is a true friend to them? I was reminded of when I was in Costa Rica in 1995 doing ministry through YWAM (Youth With A Mission) I had locals approach me with photos of people whom they had meet 2 to 3 years prior to me being there. They were asking me if I knew them because they were also American and were doing ministry there through the same organization. They referred to the people in the photos as their good friends, some best friends. But come to find out even though these people had made some sort of obvious in pack in the locals life. They had not seen or heard from them for 2 or three years and most likely never will again. Yet they were called and considered as friends/good friends/best friends….
Are there people that I call friends that perhaps don’t consider me as a friend or vice-versa? This is highly probable.
I have recently been learning a great deal about friendship in my now host culture Burundi Africa.
Many of the cultures in the nations of Africa have similarities. Building relationship/friendships is one of those things. Of course you must be careful not to stereo type. None the less you will find many aspects that travel across the borders.
I started reading a book by David Maranz entitled “African Friends and Money Matters”. I consider this a must read for any one that is living and working or even considering to come to live or work in Africa. For those of us that have spent a good stretch of time on this continent (Africa) it will make you laugh, node your head and you may even have a lot of Ohhhh’s and Ahhhh’s in there as I know I have.
Reading this book has made the culture I am in come alive in ways that I cannot explain. I am so grateful to also have some great local friends that I always go to when I want true understanding and to bounce things off of. We have a great many laughs as we fumble around together trying to understand each other’s cultures.
Now back to friendships in Africa. In the following paragraphs I will be quoting and referring back to Maranz book a lot. As it has mostly all been confirmed through my experiences of living here.
“In African friendships there is a dimension of interpersonal behavior that Africans emphasize when describing relationships of equality or inequality, namely, obligations to give material goods, food, gifts, financial help, property, and babies. Relationships are frequently characterized by Africans primarily in terms of the type of material transaction involved: Who gives what to whom and under what conditions.”
I have had people I know who have wanted to give me their babies and they were very serious…
“In contrast with the western attitude (genuine or hypocritical) that the emotional component in interpersonal relations is more important than any transfer of material goods involved (the latter being thought of as something incidental), Africans are frankly and directly concerned with the material transfer itself as indicative of the quality of the relationship.”
“Friendships in Africa is much more than friendly relationships between two or more people. It involves concepts of solidarity, hospitality, sharing of resources, obligatory frequent interaction, and living as community is, practically as a large family.”
I guess you can say that to have a network of friend’s means to have a network of resources.
“Friendship and mutual aid go together. The more friends, the more security, A friendship devoid of financial or other material considerations is a friendship devoid of a fundamental ingredient: Mutual dependence. A disinterested friendship is something without sense. It is only natural to expect material benefit from friendships. To a westerner this comes close to buying friendship, or of seeking and having friends for what one can get out of them.”
When I have talked about this with my African friends they have disagreed very strongly to any suggestion that their way of friendship involves buying friends! How can we explain this then???
I have learned that in many African ethnic groups, within their languages there are different words used for describing the word “friend”.

Burundi,language Kirundi; Friend: Umugenzi, general friend, one that has less than a close relationship. Umugango, A friend that is like a brother, looked at and treated like family.
In the language Kiswahili, used much in east Africa they use the word Rafiki, meaning general friend. If you want to say more than a friend you would say Rafiki Mupenzi sana, one that is so close and loved like a family member.

“In Senegal the Wolof group has two words for friend, xarit, meaning general friend; and Wollere, two persons that have a long history of friendship, mutual help, exchanges of hospitality, and solidarity tested through difficult situations. A tie stronger than a simple friendship, a tie that requires each party to be ready at any moment to come to the defense of the other, even at the price of painful sacrifice. It is founded on reciprocal esteem.”

“Africans build friendships in somewhat different ways. Many westerners have the impression that because African friendship normally includes material considerations, it must follow that such friendships are devoid of significant emotional satisfactions. I don’t think this is true, when talking to them it is obvious that they take a great deal of satisfaction from friendships”.

I am positive that Africans have deep, close, friendships. To doubt this would be crazy.
“I have had many westerners ask me, “How can Africans get satisfaction from friendships when they know that money is a major component in them?” “How do people get satisfaction from having/visiting friends when they know that money is involved?” Westerners consider these kinds of relationships not as friendships but as self seeking manipulation. Real friendship (to the westerner) must have a balance between self and other, whereas in Africa, they believe, the emphasis is on what the self can get from the other.”
There is really much to say about this subject of relationship building in Africa. Honestly there is not enough space to fit all the good lessons.

I have learned that it is not impossible to have good close friends between the westerner and the African. But it requires a great deal of work, as the cultural differences are so great! I have learned as you observe the Africans you find that many of their friendships are with socioeconomic equals. Where the majority of the time this factor makes it an added difficulty between the African and westerner’s relationship. As more often than not the two are on very different socioeconomic levels.
Relationships are funny things, if I have learned one thing in all the cultures I have had the privilege of being in and around in my life it is this; we may all be human but we sure are different!
The singing group DC Talk has a song called “colored people” wherein it says “By God’s design we are a skin kaleidoscope”. This can’t be truer, we are colored people in more ways than one.
Open up your eyes, you may be surrounded by people of different cultures. Let’s not assume they are just like you. Who are they really??